And check out my joint blog with the love of my life and writing partner Dmytry Karpov: Kimberly ♥ Dmytry

Then his blog: Dmytry Karpov

Monday, August 16, 2010

Breaking From the Past

They say that when a broken bone heals, that spot is stronger than it was before. I don't know if this is actually true or not, but I hope it is.

This has been the summer of breaks for me. Rather than walking through the fires of change on the New Year, I seem to undergo my burning away in the summertime. Maybe that's fitting.

Last summer I was reawakened to my own sexuality after a dead period of my life, while at the same time healing my body of an all-consuming pain that left me dependent on pain pills. It was a transformative and healing time for me.

Now here I am. It's been a year. Much has changed. But mostly I have changed. And in that change I have apparently petitioned the Universe to break me down once again, so I can heal and become even stronger than I was. It’s exhausting work!

A few months ago I was struggling with my relationship with my parents. I was certain that communication could never be restored. After returning home from my final, painful court battle against my ex-husband, I broke my foot. The first time I've ever broken a bone in my life, and I did it while walking. Just walking. Seriously. My 4-year-old was there. She loves telling the story.

So, I needed my parents. I was stuck at the movie theater with my child, a broken foot, EMTs surrounding me, and no way of driving or picking up my other children from school. Of course it was my right foot I broke.

Needless to say the Universe forced me into a conversation with my family. And the healing began. Stronger, even, then before. This break happened the same week I started my new job.

Within a few weeks of starting work, I moved into a new apartment with my children. That weekend my faithful car broke down. After weeks spent bumming rides and renting cars and becoming best friends with Max the tow truck driver, I finally discovered that my car needed more work than I could afford. More work than the car was worth, to be honest. So I had to buy a cheap, beaten up Dogdge Neon that had been confiscated by the cops and was sold to me by a sad man in a bad marriage who seemed to think I was his therapist. I guess my Psych degree does pay off from time to time. You could smell this car’s past life every time you opened the door. It wasn't until we carried home some pizza from BJ's that my kids finally remarked that I'd managed to rid us of that odor.

The night my children and I were left stranded in Fullerton late at night, the man I’d been dating broke my heart via text message. Mind you, I’m in tears already because my kids are all in pajamas trying to pee behind a dumpster while this guy I love is telling me we’re over. Not my finest moment.

But I stayed on the board, as my best friend’s guru used to tell her. It’s a surfing metaphor that’s always resonated with me. Stay on the board no matter what. So I did. And I realized that this break up was a blessing. We lived too far apart, for one. With no real plan of every living near each other again. And we were on different paths in life. His anger would have consumed us if we’d taken it any further. As it is, I can love him and wish the best for him without being destroyed by him. A blessing in the middle of what felt like hell.

Then, the same weekend I bought my car, my computer came down with a deadly virus, and despite my best efforts I was unable to revive it. As a full time writer, losing my computer is like a basketball player losing his arms. And feet. And eyes. And... well you get the idea. I went and bought a new computer.

So, now my life has been reset apparently. When my children and I moved into our new apartment, we had nothing but the clothes on our backs (and some in a bag or two as well...) No furniture, no kitchen supplies, nothing. Thanks to some kind souls on craigslist we refurnished and rebuilt. As we are doing every day.

Sometimes our lives need clearing out and breaking down before we can truly transform into who we are meant to become. The metaphor of the butterfly is so overused, but there's a reason for that. It's so damn fitting. We have to allow life to strip us of everything at times, so that we have room for the new.

I’m on a journey of Awe. In all these moments of pain and heartache, I have also been in awe of the beauty of the Universe. In every moment I have been blessed with just what I need to take the next quantum leap in my life. Sometimes what I need is not what I want. And vice versa. But when I embrace life with faith and hope, with the knowledge that it is all happening the way it is meant to, I find joy and awe. And new beginnings as I grow stronger and break away from the past.