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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Falling Into Loneliness


"I exist within myself alone." A quote from an Edgar Allen Poe story. I don't remember which one. I just recall that one line, that one grouping of words that so encapsulates what my heart is feeling right now.

My brain knows it's not true. My brain knows a lot of things that my heart hasn't mastered. And yet my heart, though bruised and beaten as it is, has wisdom my mind can only envy. Even in bits and pieces, my heart embraces the world with a force that sends my mind running to the shadows.

And so, I have to let it feel this loneliness. This insufferable abyss of complete emptiness. Because it is only in the embracing of this state of percieved being that I will ever truly transcend it. And transcend it, I must, before it kills me.

So I endure the existence of solitary confinement in my own self. My own nature traps me in this unending falling into loneliness. Emptiness. Sorrow. Fear. I grope in the dark for something, someone to hold, only to find the air around me empty. I reach for phantoms that are gone before I grasp them. I call for comforts that offer nothing lasting, imagining that somehow what has never worked before to sooth my lonely heart will somehow work this once. It doesn't. It never does. And it won't. It never will.

And someday I will stop grasping, and groping and reaching and searching. Someday I will stop. And see. And feel. And believe. That I do not exist within myself alone. That all this misery and pain is but an illusion. A very powerful, convincing story. And then I will be free. Connected. Whole. Just as I always have been. Just as I always will be. Existing within the Divine. As One.