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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Moving On

I'm moving this week. For the millionith time. Ok, maybe I haven't moved that many times, but I've moved a lot more than most. I'm tired of moving. Tired of all the changes whirling around in my life, keeping me in a constant state of confusion and chaos.

My doctor's mentor once told him that "enlightenment is boring. No drama." I've obviously not reached that bliss yet! My life seems constantly full of drama. Emotional, physical, financial, spiritual, all the "als." And I'm freaking tired. I have this thought that I would just like to curl up and "be" for an extended period of time where the most exciting thing that happens is my diaphragm continues to expand and contract and my heart contiues to beat.
Hm...it sounds really attractive but...

But this is the life I signed up for. My best friend thinks I'm on a crash course kind of program, and I'm moving at the speed of light to learn my lessons. To fulfill all my karmic whatevers. I'm kinda starting to wish I'd signed up for the dummy course. You know, learning to read for those who flunked kindergarten kind of thing. But no...that's just not my style apparently.

So, I'm transitioning out of a marriage I had hoped would last forever, to a man who swore he'd love me and be with me forever. Now I'm not all that important to him. And I'm forcing myself to see who he really was, and wasn't.
Hm...

And I'm moving out of my big house into a tiny little duplex. Selling all my beautiful things to live simply. Below my means. To see that stuff doesn't really matter, and really just traps us into a life that isn't all that great.
Hm...

And my body is going through major shifts. Due to medical issues and major food allergies, I've had to change EVERYTHING about my diet and lifestyle. I'm learning to live with constant pain until I hopefully heal and release it. I'm learning to listen to my body instead of trying to beat it into submission, which apparently doesn't work. Trust me on this. I'm beginning to see the wisdom inherent in the whisperings and then shoutings of my body, and I'm learning to trust that wisdom and act upon it. Hopefully, with practice, it will no longer have to shout quite so loud. Maybe then I'll enjoy greater health and well-being.
Hm...

And I'm looking at the big picture of my life, and my history, and wondering what it all means. Who am I? Where do my experiences, memories, emotions, patternings and beliefs align into creating the "me" I am now? How do I become the "me" I want to be? This is tough. This requires really being honest with who I am now, and who I've been. Even if I can't remember much. It's all there. What do I do with it now? How do I use this to become a more enlightened soul? More aware of my divine place in the Universe and with God.
Hm...

This is all happening this week. What a week. I can only imagine what next week will bring.

I'll let you know.