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Sunday, September 27, 2009

What 6,000 Years of Human Wisdom Has NOT Taught Me



I'm an impatient person by nature. I tend to have a pretty short view of things. I don't think I'm unique in this. Most humans don't see the big picture very well and I'm no exception. So, I expect results overnight and am ridiculously disappointed when I don't get them.

This is something I'm working on. Something life is forcing me to work on, I should say. There is an old wisdom that says "All virtue accumulates drop by drop." This wisdom goes back thousands of years. And yet, here we are as humans, still expecting buckets of change to befall our lives. Overnight weight loss, instant financial success, immediate healing, love at first sight, and on and on...

I am in a year of change. My marital status has changed. My financial status is changing. My health is changing. All moving in better directions. But soooo slowly. At least from my perspective. In reality, things are happening pretty quickly. I am manifesting an entirely new reality for myself. But still I'm impatient. I want to be a black belt, mountain biking tomorrow. I want my house managed perfectly with healthy meals each night, beginning tonight. I want to finish and sell my book by next week.

And most importantly, I want to understand, to have a feeling-knowing in my heart, that I am not alone. Not separate from the Divine. I want to truly get it. The TRUTH. I want to be free of all this crap that keeps me seeking and miserable. I want to be Happy.

And I want all of this to arrive in buckets. Not in drops. One drop alone seems insignificant. Puny. Unremarkable. And my vision is too myopic. The drops, rather than offering hope and encouragement, frustrate me. So, I make lists. Force myself to measure and count each drop as it lands into my bucket.

I didn't eat anything I was allergic to today. Drop.

I worked out without pain medication. Drop. Drop.

I got my kids to bed and cleaned the house. Drop.

I wrote ten new pages in my book. Drop. Drop.

I meditated, and remembered for just a moment the truth. Drop. Drop. Drop.

And so they accumulate. Virtue. My life. The direction I am headed. And it starts to make a difference. My book gets done one page at a time. My health improves one day at a time. My house stays a little cleaner. My kids get a little happier, a little more grounded. And if I look at my bucket I can begin to see that those drops are adding up. They will lead to buckets. And that is the only way. One drop at a time.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Falling Into Loneliness


"I exist within myself alone." A quote from an Edgar Allen Poe story. I don't remember which one. I just recall that one line, that one grouping of words that so encapsulates what my heart is feeling right now.

My brain knows it's not true. My brain knows a lot of things that my heart hasn't mastered. And yet my heart, though bruised and beaten as it is, has wisdom my mind can only envy. Even in bits and pieces, my heart embraces the world with a force that sends my mind running to the shadows.

And so, I have to let it feel this loneliness. This insufferable abyss of complete emptiness. Because it is only in the embracing of this state of percieved being that I will ever truly transcend it. And transcend it, I must, before it kills me.

So I endure the existence of solitary confinement in my own self. My own nature traps me in this unending falling into loneliness. Emptiness. Sorrow. Fear. I grope in the dark for something, someone to hold, only to find the air around me empty. I reach for phantoms that are gone before I grasp them. I call for comforts that offer nothing lasting, imagining that somehow what has never worked before to sooth my lonely heart will somehow work this once. It doesn't. It never does. And it won't. It never will.

And someday I will stop grasping, and groping and reaching and searching. Someday I will stop. And see. And feel. And believe. That I do not exist within myself alone. That all this misery and pain is but an illusion. A very powerful, convincing story. And then I will be free. Connected. Whole. Just as I always have been. Just as I always will be. Existing within the Divine. As One.