And check out my joint blog with the love of my life and writing partner Dmytry Karpov: Kimberly ♥ Dmytry

Then his blog: Dmytry Karpov

Monday, June 8, 2009

Do We Belong?

My middle daughter, 5 years old and a force of nature, recently has had a series of melt-downs about her place in her world. She's been through a lot lately. Losing her father to divorce and distance. Acclimating to a new life and world. Moving from a space of chaos and stress to a more stable and rhythmic home environment. Also, she's now on a more consistently healthy and whole foods diet. All of this has led her to a form of release and rearrangement in her body and inner being.

She's questioning life and her place in it. Her place in this family. She's articulating at 5 years old what most adults don't fully understand to be their fundamental concern, her fear that she is separate from everything around her and that she doesn't belong and can't connect to those around her. Her fear of being alone and lonely. Of not having a place in the cosmos. Of being lost in the larger context of life. She's scared that there's no place for her to be herself and be loved just as she is.

She's a strong-willed child and many have butted heads with her in an attempt to bend or break her to their will. To make her obey. To make her conform to their idea of who she should be. She doesn't take well to that. I don't blame her. I didn't either, and still don't. She's a defender of the weak and innocent, a superhero without a mission. A unique soul with eyes to see what others don't, but without the maturity and age to be taken seriously.

Her struggle are profound and universal. It is the essence of suffering and dis-ease among all. The feeling of fear that the world is against us and we are but victims stuck in the web of hostile territory. Most close their eyes to this and pretend it doesn't exist. They ignore it. At 5, my Bella is facing it head on, wanting to know what it means. Why does it feel like this? Why is she feeling so sad and lonely and scared?

So we talk. And I share with her my belief that there is no separation. It's an illusion. It's something we've created as we've let fear corrupt the truth of love and oneness. This oneness is not meant to be some new age feel good bumper sticker idea, but the truth of being a part of the Mystery that we all withing. The truth that our hearts, souls and energies are all a part of a bigger vision and that it is impossible to be alone and lonely, because there is no me and other. There is only the Mystery, God, the Universe. Whatever you want to call it. This is not something I easily experience or understand. We are learning together. She is helping me articulate it myself. She is voicing my own pain as she shares hers, and so we are able to help each other.

We remind each other to keep our hearts open to the Mystery. To Love and God. We remind each other that to contract is to give in to fear and sadness and suffering.

And so I learn from my child how to stay connected to the Universal Mystery of God and Love. I learn how to voice my fears and face them. I learn how to see the web for what it is, an illusion that can be easily shred when I stay open to Love.

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