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Monday, May 11, 2009

A View of Love

I am in Love. But not in the ways I ever thought Love would be. I loved my husband, but it was a sick, starving kind of love. It was like eating junk food. You can eat and eat and become fat and still be malnourished. No matter how much I gave and loved and stayed, I never got healthy. He loved him, I think, in the best way he knew how, but he didn't know how. He doesn't know how to love himself, so how can he love anyone? That is sad.
I'm not so great at love, but my children have taught me a lot about love. I am in LOVE with them. I would do ANYTHING for them. There is nothing I wouldn't do to protect them, help them, keep them safe, teach them. In fact, my venture into learning to love myself is largely to help them love themselves. They will mirror my patterning. And that's not so great right now. I'm very upside down about love. But I'm working on it.
I have a friend who's helping me. I'm in Love with her. I've never loved another human being so much in this way. Not in any romantic way at all, but in a divinely inspired way that transcends all else. And she loves me in this way. It is a hard Love to recieve. Unconditional. Without expectation. She belives in me. Believes without question that should I pursue my writing career I will become very successful. But it doesn't matter to her. I am who am and completely loved by her just as I am. And she offers me all of herself and yet I feel I have so little to offer back. But she seems to think it is enough. That I am enough.
I'm learning to love myself by seeing myself through her eyes. By knowing that I am loved by God, by the Divine Light of All. I am not seperate. I am not alone. I am not shackled to fear and desperation as I have feared. I am free. And she is teaching me this.
So, I am learning to Love, but also to accept Love. Real Love. Love with no limits and no strings. I am learning to accept help. I am learning humility and gratitude. And I am learning to pass some very hard tests in life. And pass them I will. I do not wish to repeat this grade.

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