And check out my joint blog with the love of my life and writing partner Dmytry Karpov: Kimberly ♥ Dmytry

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A Diagnosis of Fear

I've been diagnosed with the most dreaded disease ever. It kills and maims more people than drunk driving and cancer combined. It leaves more people hopeless and miserable than poverty and abuse. It's FEAR. And it's a world-wide epidemic. No one is immune. We all suffer to some degree from this dis-ease. Fear creates all of our drama, our problems, our pain, our illness. Fear kills us.

I live in constant fear that my needs won't be met. That I won't be able to pay the rent or feed my children. That my health will crash and I won't be able to take care of myself let alone my children. That we'll end up homeless, or unwanted squaters in someone else's home. One person can crash on a couch, a woman and 3 young daughters under 6 need more than a couch.

I fear that I'm failing as a mother. That my dis-ease of fear will contaminate my children and lead them into unfulfilled and hopeless lives of "quiet desperation." I fear that I will make mistakes that will irrevocobly scar them, damanging them beyond any therapists ability to fix. I fear that I failed as a wife. That I failed to show my husband how deeply I loved him, how much I would have and tried to do for him. I fear that I didn't make him happy, that I failed to be a good wife, that I failed to give him what he needed to stay.

My fear consumes me. Overwhlems me. Draws me into deep cycles of sadness and panic as I race to figure our how to feed them, clothes them, give them shelter, raise them properly, raise myself so that they don't feel this fear and assure them that they aren't abandonded and worthless. Assure them of things I can't even feel in myself just yet.

But there is a cure for fear. Not a vaccination, not a bandaid, but an honest-to-God cure that eradicates it completely from our system, leaving us completely free to be Happy and Blissful and Ecstatic in our freedom no matter what happens around us. This cure is to plug into the Divine Source of all Love and Joy and Happiness. Not just to know in our heads that it's there, that God is there, that the Universe will meet our needs, but to feel it and know it in the depth of our souls, know it more completely than anything else we've ever known.

When we connect to the Source at this level, all fear is gone. Forever. No more worries about food and shelter and clothing. All will be provided for in time. No worries about failing others, we each are on our own path and we all do the best we can. We can never make any one else happy, that is not our job. We can only help others see the Divine in themselves. Sometimes they don't want to see that. And they leave. That's ok.

I haven't reached this level of enlightment, but I know those who have. So I have hope that it's possible. And that I will. Until then I continue to notice when fear starts to eat away at my soul, and I try to replace it with the Love I'm learning to feel and be and experience and give. Because fear cannot co-exist with the Divine, who is pure Love. So today, as the fear swirls around my head looking for a way in to destroy me, I consciously choose Love. For this moment. And I'll still slip. Fear is still inside me. But now I have others who are helping me to see Fear for what it is and to eradicate it entirely. And I would be completely healed in Love. That is my Hope and my Intent.

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